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Saturday, July 25, 2009

Work It Out! Get Thin or Muscular

Work It Out

I personally am not big into exercise, even though I wish was. I have tried, I have bought exercise tapes to follow along with at home, have joined a gym or two, and last I have tried a few of those get ripped quick schemes. I want to have a healthy body.. I want some muscles.. I just don't want to work for it.

There is one form of exercise that I can't get enough of. That method comes in the form of sex! What is better than getting to enjoy exercise? Working up a sweat and having some hard core ass banging sex! What a sweet deal. I think somehow if we could get an exercise machine that incorporated sex.. oh.. wait..



Joy Rider Fuck Machine


They do!! The Joy Rider Fuck Machine. Yes people! This is an actual contraption. And for the low price of $795.00 it can be all yours. Just think while you are working, flexing, and straining on your new gym equipment you can be getting your fuck hole plowed all at once. How Fucking Ingenious!! While you are squeezing your hole make sure you squeeze your abs. The harder and faster you rock.. the tighter your abs will become all while coming to an extreme orgasm.


No more of the days of working out being so difficult and boring. Nothing can really be boring if you have a cock in your hole.. right???

Now I know some of you do not have the budget for such a lavish piece of gym equipment.. so there is an alternate method you can take..



The Pogo Stick Fuck Machine


There it is. The POGO FUCK Stick. This one comes in at the low low price of just $139.00. Not only will this fuck your orifice.. tighten your abs.. build core muscles.. but it will also help in building your agility!! When you need a work out.. or a good ramming of the cunt.. you just hop on this son of a bitch and work it out!


NO MORE EXCUSES! No more laying around and being a slob. No more days of - exercise is boring. With these two products we should begin to have thinner and more built Americans.

WORK IT OUT!!!






Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Not always as it appears.

We all know that there are things out there that just do not seem to really be what they appear. When we see, hear, or smell something we may think it's one thing but in all actuality its something completely different.

Let me give you a couple examples....

http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00733/baby_dad_alphie_pat_733808a.jpg

What do you think when you see this picture? Are you thinking? Aww what a cute little trio of siblings? WRONG! You should be saying awww..what a cute family. This 13 year old boy and 15 year old girl are the proud parents of this precious little child.


Then those are those times that your HEAR your other half lean over and whisper that they love you...

http://lh5.ggpht.com/_GB3vxXuSfi4/Rq5yUNbm7tI/AAAAAAAAAMU/hRIyq2RJAPs/laureniI.jpg

In all actuality you they can't even stand you anymore and they are just trying to get some pussy for the night...

http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00513/deidre_sex_pic_513853a.jpg



How about when you walk into someones home and you get a whiff of something that smells ohhhhhh so yummy......
http://www.candlefind.com/uploads/images/Desserts/Cookies/Sugar%20Cookie%20and%20Lemonade.jpg

Mmmmm Sugar cookies. They make your mouth water. You think Shit I just showed up at Betty Crockers just in time to eat this bitches baking!


Then you look over and what do you see? A fucking candle!
http://www.decorbydesign.ws/39635%20Sugar%20Cookie%20Scent%20Candle.jpg


There are things that we may think are something else, when really they aren't. I know all to well that sometimes things just aren't as they "appear".


I for one am not really big on morning sex. When I am waking up it takes awhile for me to adjust to the land of the living. The last thing I want is someone rolling over and shoving a cock in my mouth at seven in the damn morning. Now, if someone wants to blow me and not expect reciprocation that is fine. They can suck my cock, lick my nipples, or shove their tongue as deep in my hole as they possibly can. That I have no issue with. Just don't make me do it back!

The problem is that when you are with someone for quite sometime you have to give in and do things you really don't want to do. Or at least you should. If you want the relationship to last for more then a week or two. If you are a slut, fine this rule doesn't apply to you.

One morning I woke up to my ex giving me a morning blow job, of course I tried to act like I was asleep even when I was awake. That way I wouldn't have to do it back. It felt pretty damn good, a moan came about and of course that just made him realize I was awake! Damn the luck!!

Now, he knows I love to eat me a hot hole - so what does he do? He swings his ass around to my face. In 69 position. He was ready for me to toss that salad.
http://foodingn.com/catalog/images/garden_salad.jpg

I really prefer cereal for breakfast, but whatever. So I did my famous scratch and sniff on his asshole before I even dared to stick my tongue anywhere near it. I mean my god we just woke up and I am not about to shove my tongue in an unclean fuck box. So I licked my fingered and rubbed his little hole. Took a whiff and he luckily passed the test. His orifices was squeaky clean. Or so I thought.

Half asleep and groggy I began to lick that mancunt of his, like a true ass eating champ. Cramming my tongue deeper and deeper with each thrust of my tongue into his box. Then out of no where a smell hit me. It was sort of a rancid smell. Not exactly a shit smell, but a smell of dirty ass none the less. That turned me off. I went limp. He was confused. I told him he needed to go wash his ass. It was an awkward moment, but we had been together a few years so its easy to be honest after much time as a couple.

After he took his quick shower focusing on this little man pussy, he comes back and jumps into bed. Instead of immediately going for the cock he comes in for a kiss, which led me to sucking on his neck. Something that drove him absolutely wild. In the process of doing this the smell came back once again. I was smelling his dirty ass on his neck now!! What the hell? Why is he smelling like dirty pooper all over.

I cupped my mouth and breathed in it to get a whiff of my own breath. OHHH Sweet Jesus! I about passed out at the smell! I had the most god awful case of rank morning breath imaginable. I had never had this problem before, not sure why it was so bad, but here I was thinking his little hole was smelling of dingle berries and yesterdays enchilada! All along it was my stinking ass breath. Once I realized this, I told him I needed to pee and got up and went and brushed my teeth. I sure the hell wasn't going to tell him it was my breath that stunk. I was just going to keep letting him think his hole was NOT FUCK-A-LICIOUS!

So you see folks.. much like my bad breath things out there are not always as they seem. Before you make a quick judgment on things, make sure you know what the fuck you are talking about. No need in insulting someone or their little sausage pocket in the process. Or anyone or anything for that matter. Just know what the hell you are talking about before you say shoot of at the mouth.

TWITTER ME!!

TWITTER MY TWAT

A month ago I got a question from someone that confused me. It went a little something like this...

"Hey Matt do you have Twitter?" I replied "Umm what the fuck is Twitter? Some new STD I need to worry about, when I'm banging some hot little mangina?"

They explained to me that it was a new Social Networking that everyone was getting. I of course being the Z list internet celebrity that I am, knew I better check this shit out since it was all the craze.

So as my gay little fingers prance on the keyboard they daintily type in Twitter.com. Up pops the Main page.





So I get to the page and you really can't browse it without signing up for it. I thought hmmm.... Alright.. Well what the fuck is this used for? It looks pretty fucking stupid to me. Wait. Lookie there. A icon that reads.. Why? This button must answer the 2 dollar and 50 cent question.. Why I must have it. Lets click on it..



Under the picture a PERFECTLY Good explanation as to why you would want this wonderful service of Twitter. I am understanding now that Twitter Twat is basically used for nothing more then posting updates of your day, throughout the day. Lets look at the examples they give..

Eating soup? Research shows that moms want to know.

Seriously. My moms dreams have finally come true. I can post on this thing every time I cram something down my throat. That way she KNOWS I am eating. Just think. When I went to go eat a hot hairy ass I can post that on there too. I think she will be pretty damn happy to know I am eating my salad.

Running late to a meeting? Your co–workers might find that useful.

Yes - I think this is by far the SMARTEST thing you can use Twitter for. To post on a mass message to all your co-workers that you are running late. That salad you just tossed took a little longer to finish up, but since they all know your were munching on a hungry man hole just moments before they should have assumed you would be late anyways. I mean since you had already let them know you were doing such with the Twitter Clitter.
If you want my professional opinion, stick to calling when you are going to be late. I don't think Twitter is going to pay your bills when your twittering ass gets fired.

Partying? Your friends may want to join you.

Oh yes! Lovely. Now every Tom, Dick, and Retard that you know can show up wherever you are at any time. Since they know where you are thanks to the lovely twit who came up with Twitter. I am not sure about you but there are some people that I don't want to hang out with ALL the time. With my luck, the dickweeds that I am avoiding for the day will be the ones to show up at the hopping party I posted on Twitter. I mean this thing doesn't select who it goes to.


I really didn't see the point of all this really. Since we do have status messages on Myspace and FaceFuck -- Doh I mean Facebook (I hate facebook) Why would I need this bull shit. We also have this little thing called TEXT MESSAGE. But like the 100s of thousands of dumb fucks that have signed up for it... I joined on in. That's right if you have Twitter you are a DUMB FUCK -- Let me make it a little clearer for you..

D-U-M-B F-U-C-K
Now Yes! Don't get your over priced panties in a wad, I did it too. So I am just as much a dumb fuck as you are. It's ok. We will get through this together. I promise.

So I go ahead and sign up thinking there really has to be something more about it. Would people be so lame to just go to a website to type in a status message and read other peoples? A WHOLE WEB SITE just for status message. A ENTIRE PLACE devoted to the status on your every little movement?

I sign up and able to search people. Anyways I added Ashton should be sitting on my face Kutcher, Britney I have a vagina the size of Tennessee Spears, and some Random attention whore, to see what the hell it was about. Here ya go folks.. here is what I get...





WOW look at this. Pretty fucking exciting if I do say so myself. Ashton is obviously a major Twitter whore. I hope like hell he is using protection, so when I get my turn for him to twitter me I don't catch anything. Read some of his updates though. Are you kidding me? Really? Oh fuck yes. This is some exciting shit people. I mean if I had a pussy it would be dripping wet with excitement at this very moment.

You can also add the service to your phone so you can update everyone at any given time. Exciting I know. If you have a cunt I am kind of jealous that you are getting moist. Though I have a little precum linger on the head of my cock right now just thinking about how "sick" Twitter is.

What I have decided to do is basically give you all a run down of what I would post on my Twitter if I was a frequent user of the service.

Here is my Saturday...

7:25 AM - Rolled my ass out of bed, my dick was hard as fuck because I need to take my morning piss. I hate getting these damn false hard-ons. When I got up to the bathroom I couldn't get the shit to go down so I got a little urine on the toilet seat. I left it for my sister to sit in.

7:35 AM - I am sitting on the porch right now, drinking my morning pop and smoking a wake up cigarette. It's chilly out here. I think my left testicle is forming an icicle on it. Once I get inside I will check on that and let you know. Oh btw a blue car just drove by.

7:45AM - NOPE No Icicle.

8:30AM - MOM!! I am eating OATMEAL. mmm This cheap shit taste like dirty ass. It's healthy though. Oh well it was till I added a pound of sugar to it.

9:15 AM- Hey everyone! Just sitting here on the toilet taking a real big shit. It think my shit has a few nuts in it. I mean it feels like its scarping my rectum walls as it falls ever so gracefully into the bowl. Oh and the first log that I squeezed out of my ass was fucking HUGE that shit splashed me when it hit the water. Toilet water is sooo cold.

10:30 AM - Hey all check out my status message on myspace and facebook.

10:45 AM- Oh so many comments to reply to. My ass is so sore from sitting in this damn computer chair. Oh and I have this retched nose hair I can't seem to get the fuck out. Why do I have more nose hairs then hairs on my head?

11:30AM - Going to go Make lunch now.

12:15AM - Just got done with lunch. Tuna sandwich. Its like slapping some pussy between two pieces of bread! Gotta love a quick lunch. Alright I am going to nap.

5:00 PM- Damn! I just woke up. I must have been really tired. Or maybe the 6 sleeping pills I took kicked in. I woke up in a sticky mess. I had another wet dream. I am not changing my underwear though. Just gonna sit in it till I shower later. No need in dirtying 2 pair of underwear in one day. Though this shit is tugging on my pubes.. like seriously.

6:00 PM- Well here I am again. Taking another shit. That tuna sandwich shot straight to my pooper. This time its a little mushy. Its going to take extra toilet paper for this one. Alright -- gonna shower after i am done.

7:30 PM- Well I just got out of the shower. Though I must tell you all. I didn't realize that I was out of toilet paper. Thank God I was jumping in the shower. I will tell you this.. When I was cleaning my ass it looked like a mudslide doing down my leg. Ok going to get ready to go out.. Peace

9:00 PM- I am driving to the city. Ready to get my groove on. I didn't eat dinner because I want to get drunk for cheaper. I know I am a classy gal. Oh I sure hope I find some sex tonight. I am long over due. a;o0s9d fknwmenf. Oh shit sorry about that. I just ran over a dog. Oh well. Keep on truckin!

10:45PM- I am here at the club! Woodys! Man! Where are all the hot guys at. Shit my dick needs to get up in some HOLE! You know what I mean! WOOT! Oh I am starting on my 3rd drink.

12:20 AM- OUh Mna. ima piissin rite now. I am soooooooooooooo fukd up guys its like man im having a good time. Oh ya n i met a dude. wish me luk


2:15AM - He is suugking my c0ck rite now as I upstate you all with my stauts!! OMG im bout to cummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

3:00 AM- MOM!! I just got done having a salad.



I guess I passed out after that. So yeah. This is my day in the life with my Twitter.

This has got to be one of the the most moronic ideas they came up with for a social network. Seriously people. Who the fuck cares what people are doing every fucking minute of the day. Its this really neceassry? Do you think your life is soooooooooooo fucking special that everyone NEEDS to know that how exciting you really are NOT!

I get why celebritys do it. I really do. People hang on their every word and thought. It's part of publicty. Regular folk like me and you though? Who the fuck cares!! Seriously. If you want to update people.. call them.. text them.. or update your fucking status message on facebook or myspace. You can access that shit from your phone too.

It just all seems so stupid to me. Normally I don't like to offend people but if you are a twitter head and this offended you.. well cry me a fucking river. I may throw you a life jacket when you start to drown. Or maybe not. We will see

By the way.. if you want to follow me on Twitter.
http://twitter.com/MattKansas

You will love the one and only message I have on there. HA!

What REALLY makes you gay!

The Real Reason People are Gay (It's not hereditary)

I have heard time and time again from religious freaks and other dick heads that being born gay is impossible. That it is against nature to be gay. That something along the way happened to make a person "THINK" they are gay.

I have always been one that has argued till I was blue in the balls, wait I mean face. Sorry I haven't had sex in over 2 months. Which is causing me major blue balls. So anyways I defend the fact repeatedly that I was born gay.

Finally I thought what if I am wrong? What if I wasn't born this way. Is there something that could have made me queer?

My brother and I were raised in the exact same environment. We were treated pretty much the same for the most part. We had the same life. We just looked different. So what I decided to do was to compare the two of us to figure out if my homosexuality was learned and not hereditary .

So other then the obvious my brother is a year younger then me. He is blond hair blue eyed and I am brown hair green eyed. Same parents. Same upbringing.

http://c1.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/106/l_bd55f7dac6bb4455a5be636b545811b8.jpg


The more and more I thought about it.. I started to realize something. It was coming to me, a break through. I found the difference in the two of us. Something that maybe, just maybe caused me to be a raging homosexual.















http://www.cpsc.gov/cpscpub/prerel/prhtml06/06262.jpg http://www.coolest-toys.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/beach-fun-barbie-blonde-j0709.jpg


I realized that my brother LOVED to play with trucks and I loved me some Barbie.

I remember my love for Barbie started at a pretty early age. My parents were very ANTI Barbie for me though. If I was caught playing with her, I was spanked and told that I was NOT a girl. Then they would hand me a fucking truck. A god damn truck. Are you kidding me? What the hell was I suppose to do with that shit? Well I did like trucks for when I would move Barbie's Furniture.

My aunt who is just 5 years older then me had tons and tons of Barbies... Barbie clothes.. Barbie cars... Barbie accessories.. .. Barbie EVERYTHING!!! It was like a little homo in the makings dream! When I would go visit my Grandma I would sneak in my aunts room.. gather up some Barbies and accessories without being seen and would take them under the stairs where no one could catch me playing with that beautiful gal Barbie.

Now don't worry I also had a great plan that I had to follow through with several times, just in case I was caught. I would take magic markers for the just in case moments. When I would hear someone approaching and I knew I was going to get caught playing with the Barbs I would start coloring on her and ripping her body parts off left and right. I felt sooooo bad when I would decapitate my best friend, but sometimes I knew things just had to be done. Barbie not having a head was no where near as important as me NOT getting my hands slapped. I mean its expected for little boys rip up Barbie, just as long as they aren't playing with them in the correct manner. So this is what I would do to get my Barbie fix. You may think I am kidding, but far from it. I was a Barbie closet case.

So the more I think about it. I realize. It was this fucking bitch Barbie that made me as queer as a 50 dollar bill (yeah 50's are queer to me because i am a broke bitch). I was told not to mess with her. They must have known if I was to play with the most beautiful doll in the world that I was destined to be a faggot. Maybe parents do know best. So yes folks it is Barbies fault that I Matthew Kansas loves the cock!!

How though... well lets look back.

1st

Look at her smile. She was ALWAYS happy. I never one time seen Barbie without a smile. She was my role model to stay positive and happy!

http://www.coreywolfe.com/NOV%202004/barbie.jpg


Gay means Happy right? Wouldn't that technically make Barbie gay? Well I wanted to be just like her. I wanted to be just as gay as her!! I didn't want to be sad and miserable like those that were against the word gay.

http://bannonsmedium.com/applications/joomla/images/stories/fred_phelps.jpg
Fred Phelps

2nd


Barbie had the most Beautiful home. So beautiful if fact she called in the Barbie dream home...I wanted home just like hers. Just a little less pink.

http://morningglory2.files.wordpress.com/2007/02/barbie-dream-house.JPG?w=400&h=548



This wasn't the case for me.. Instead this was my home...


http://www.moneydvdrom.com/images/MoneyDVD2_Brians_Mobile_Home.jpg



3rd

Barbie had sooo many fabulous outfits to choose from, they were always designer and the latest trends.

http://www.tinyzippers.com/pix/closet2.jpg


I could only dream of a closet full of wonderful clothes.. instead all my clothes came from here.....

http://www.dunedindailyphoto.com/photos/cSlvtnArmy01md.JPG


4th

Barbie always has had nice cars. Lets face it, this bitch drove around in style...

http://img1.classistatic.com/cps/l/kj/09/1/30/551/r6/5557f1c_18.jpeg


Not my family.. nope.. no way.. we drove around in a POS


http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l7/dannyjelinek/rustycar.jpg


So you see... Barbie had everything. She was beautiful, she had nice clothes, a beautiful home, and of course all the fancy cars.

I know some of you are saying.. come on Matt why couldn't you at least play with Ken...

http://healthhabits.files.wordpress.com/2008/12/ken-doll-naked.jpg

Fuck that! Ken didn't have shit! For God's sake he didn't even have a dick.



So now thanks to Barbie....

I am a

Gay Flag Waving,

http://api.ning.com/files/wiccjlsym0dkPvdoxYyMawNr*flX3A47IgzP-y9DMJw_/GayFlag.jpg


Drag Queen loving,

http://img.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2008/01_03/96dragqueenMOS_468x844.jpg

Buttsex wanting,


http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a359/Bizzarrro/Misc/The%20J%20Album/ButtSex.jpg


QUEER

I think today we need to make a stand. We must call a Ban on Mattell the makers of Barbie. They are the creators of this world of Sodomites. It's to late for me and many others. Are desitny of cock sucking and rectum riding can not be changed. But we can help prevent this disgust of faggotry for future generations!

I am asking you all to help out in this. Please spread the word. We must ban together to end homosexuality!!! DON'T BUY BARBIE!!!!!

So now you know the real reason for homosexuality. No we weren't born this way, Barbie made us gay!! AMEN! The Bible Thumpers were right all along!

Legalizing Pot

Marijuana
LEGAL!!!!!!!

Have you all heard? I can't believe this. They have actually legalized the sale and use of marijuana. The new law will take effect early next month.

Marlboro has already released a statement saying that they will be pushing their new Marijuana Cigarettes to the public when the bill passes on Monday, May 3rd, 2009.

http://i129.photobucket.com/albums/p215/dario2120/1weed.jpg



This new law really isn't going do much for me. I hate pot. The shit makes me sick as a dog. (See my POT BROWNIES blog for details)

I am pretty excited that they made it legal though. It means we are one step closer to the legalization of something that will benefit me much better than this crap marijuana that so many people love...


http://www.12steptreatmentcentres.com/Articles/crack.JPG

Crack Cocaine!

I know. You may be shocked. Seriously did you think I was this fucking crazy without the help of something. I Matthew Kansas am a CRACK HEAD...


That fucking bitch Whitney Houston didn't know what the fuck she was talking about when she said Crack is Whack...


http://media.entertainment.sky.com/image/unscaled/2006/3/29/Whitney-Houston-1393324.jpg



I am here to tell you.. Crack is....

http://www.myspacespells.com/files/b10bd0054b89.gif


I am so tired of the excuses that crack cocaine is harmful and can kill you. Come on people. Alcohol, Cigarettes, Food, and Anything else in the world can kill you. It's not like Crack is the only thing. Why should it get such a bad wrap.

I have heard all the downsides to why it shouldn't be legal and I am sick of it so I want to tell you why it should be legalized.


Prohibition

Isn't this land suppose to be of the free? How dare this government prevent us from getting cracked out like this. The laws set forth to keep others safe due to the use of drugs is ABSURD! Seriously, If I want to hit my pipe in the privacy of my home or the drive thru of Popeye's chicken I should have that right. We should not prohibit anything that is made from products we can easily obtain. THIS IS AMERICA!!!!!

http://www.erichhanson.com/images/united-states-flag.jpg



Medical Use


Almost 2 years ago I was hit by a car while riding my bicycle. My femur was crushed and two rods were inserted into my leg (true story). Now from time to time my leg becomes very sore. Pain medications really do NOTHING for it. It's quite an odd pain. When I toke it up on my crack pipe. The pain disappears. I am able to run a marathon on the shit, once I am cracked out of my fucking mind. I become a new and healthy individual. Shit. I even forget I was ever hit by a car in the first place. This in itself goes to show the medical benefits of crack. It erases away the pain.

http://api.ning.com/files/3NYXjJKudgjsx424dirru7a-BzZA4Yn6612IVE-OcFEOxLfyKiG8qIkN*PtyYfi7heUN9jmQ0G*Vc7WNyE8KIXuUeIvyUMfn/indexMedical.jpg

Government Spending

Millions and Millions of our tax dollars are spent on the enforcement of keeping the wonderful use of crack to a minimum. Just so the damn pigs can take our fucking shit and smoke it their damn selves. So we are paying for our protectors to get cracked out without us. If we were to legalize these precious white rocks we would save so much in government spending. Also, we will free up a lot of space at the prisons when we release all drug related charges and get these model citizens back on the streets!

http://www.paynotaxes.org/images/Pay_No_Taxes_cover.JPG


ECONOMY AND JOBS

Think of all the jobs this is going to create. Every trailer park in America can now become a business venture. They can set up little meth labs in their bathrooms and kitchens. No longer will it be secluded to just the farms of Kansas. All states can start to profit from this. Then the makers can pull an AMISH tradition and sale their wares to local shops. Who then can sell it to you. This means more opportunity for everyone! There will also be a tax on crack cocaine much like on cigarettes that will boost tax dollars!

Also one more thing. This will cause an increase for many more dentist in America. A high paying job that thanks to the affects of Crack, will bring!


http://www.ricochet.co.uk/images/big/teeth.JPG



These are just a few reasons why we should legalize Crack mother fucking Cocaine! There are far to many benefits to let this go on being illegal. What is wrong with people. Wake up and smell the basin!!

Another thing that I didn't mention. Crack is a drug of productivity. When someone is on that shit they are non fucking stop. VS Pot where they move at a much slower pace and do not get as much done. So crack is much better for this fast paced world we live in.



LEGALIZE CRACK COCAINE


My point is this. Drugs are illegal for a reason. We can use all the same reasoning everyone uses for Marijuana to try to legalize any drug. I understand that pot is the least of the drugs to worry about. This to me doesn't matter.

I grew up around the shit. My mom was a pot dealer. It is not the life to live. I
don't care what anyone says. Pot is NOT beneficial to a productive life.

With all this being said though. I really do NOT give a fuck if it is legalized or not. No matter how stupid I think it is, I have the choice not to do it. Same with smoking and drinking and riding a bicycle for that matter. None of them are safer then the next. They all can put your life and health at risk.

I would prefer it to stay illegal, but if it is legalized I am not going to bitch and moan. Just be ready for the crack heads to move in and want their rights too.

Moms are NEVER right.

A MOMS ADVICE

My mother can be a crazy broad, that I will never deny. Even when I tell stories about how my mother was a shithead to me, I will always love her. I don't really think my mother taught me a lot of life lessons, other then what NOT to do. In that I mean if my mother did it, I probably should NOT.

One thing that I have taken away since I was a child, was a few things my mother beat in my head with her words.

"Don't climb on things and don't horse play. You can break your head open and die." I can't tell you how many times this woman said that to me. It made me so scared to do anything. Even to this day I am not much a dare devil, even though I want to be, in fear that I am going to break my head open!

A little over a year ago, while I was out riding my bicycle a car hit me, as I went flying through the air towards the sidewalk the first thought that went through my head was --

OH FUCK THIS IS EMBARRASSING

That thought quickly diminished and what my mother always said to me went rushing through my mind. "You are going to break your head open and die." Those words hit me just in time.

I risked breaking my arms, but at the very second I was about to slam into that sidewalk and cement guardrail my arms went straight out to push my body away from hitting my head. I lost most the skin on my hands that day, amongst the broken bones, but I did NOT hit my head. I was able to keep myself from my head being bashed into the cement because that was the only concern. Her words saved me. I broke the hardest bone in my body that day, so the impact was so strong it could have easily crushed my skull.

Another thing my mother always said to me..

"Don't chase your brother with that butcher knife, you might just put your eye out"

http://www1.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/286699/2/istockphoto_286699_back_stabbing.jpg



Ok I kid I kid. Of course I didn't chase my brother with butcher knifes, other then that one time. She did say "Don't run with things you will put your eye out" I have been lucky enough to not have a situation where I almost put my eye out, but I have always listened to this piece of advice and never ran with anything.

If I do run with something I make sure that I hold it down to my side. Another thing she always embedded in my little mind. If I was walking or running with something I was demanded to keep my arms down at my sides with the object lightly grasped.

http://z.hubpages.com/u/87056_f496.jpg



Luckily, I took her advise as a child and still as an adult.
I came across a picture of a little boy and wondered to myself. What happend to this poor kids little nose..




Did he run and fall on something, or was he running with something in his hand. Did what my mother always told me about running with shit happen to this kiddo. Obviously not an eye but his nose. I never had any of these kinds of injuries as a kid. Maybe his mom didn't embed in his mind that if he ran with things in his hands that he would poke his eye out.

Still even with all that I will be honest with you..
I really am not one that believes in that old saying..


http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51Y4mYxPCWL._SL500_AA240_.jpg

Who knows.

Maybe sometimes she just did..

I mean seriously..



I


NEVER


HAD


A





FORK STUCK IN MY NOSE!

When Fucks..

When Fucks Collide
(names have been changed to protect my whoryness)

John and I were standing by the bar last night having a drink. Vodka and Cran for me of course. While we were chatting I was also giving the one over of the bar to see who was all -- out and about whoring their pussies. I seen someone over to the right of the bar. A familiar face. It was Gordon. A guy that awhile back I had a somewhat of a relationship with. Relationship meaning we used to go to dinner and fuck every now and then. Just a casual fuck friend if you will. We have seen each other out after we stopped slutting together and always say hi with a friendly hug. Then we go on our way. And from time to time.. well when drunk we leave and fuck. Well last night I excused myself from my conversation with John to go say my hi to Gordon.

I walked up, he smiled, and we hugged. We did a couple of seconds of catching up and then up walks a guy that hands him a drink. Gordon immediately introduces me to his date Heith. "Hi Heith, how have you been?" I asked. He gives me a hug also and says "Pretty good." I then took this chance to tell them that it was good seeing them, but I really need to get to the restroom before I pissed my pants. I left and went to another bar!

You see. Heith and I .. well we fucked. By the way. Heith has a little dick. Poor guy. No biggie though, his looks will get him laid so his cock size really isn't a big deal. Plus he is a BIG O BOTTOM - That means his dick isn't for anything other then an ornament and we all know when we buy an ornament size really doesn't matter.

I just didn't know what to do or say. I sure the hell didn't want Gordon to ask me how we knew each other. I decided to dodge that situation and let him ask Heith where we knew each other from. I wonder how their conversation went after I got the hell outta there.

Gordon.. "So how do you know Matt?"

Heith.." Oh we got drunk one night and he punched my kitty sooo fucking hard with his massive cock" He then ask "So how do you know Matt?"

Gordon " Well he didn't pound the shit out of me, but he did dick me real good, many times over"

Yeah - I am imagine the conversation didn't go exactly like that.. I am sure it was pretty close though.

This truly is one sucky thing about having sex when your gay. Everyone you have slept with knows someone you know. In many cases you have slept with your friends ex boyfriend before they even dated. People say this goes to show that gays are slutty. Well not really. It goes to show that we are a close group of people. We all congregate in many of the same places so it's just going to happen. I hear NY is one place this actually rare. Though in any other city its basically the same.

Oh well -- Maybe I should have stuck around. I might have got a threesome out of the deal. 2 holes for my one 1 cock -- sounds good to me.

Help A Bitch Out.

For some reason after I talk with someone on AIM they don't want to meet me anymore. I can't figure out why. I will let you all examine a couple conversations I had with this guy and you tell me what I am doing wrong.

He is in blue.. I am in red -- I removed the main part of our names. By the way he starts off calling me Derrick because I made a joke saying I couldnt remember his name.. and he said STFU Derrick.. Thinking he was funny....



hp [11:24 A.M.]: Derrick!
17 [11:24 A.M.]: Hey Markus
17 [11:24 A.M.]: whats up
hp [11:24 A.M.]: hahahha did you think that was funny
17 [11:24 A.M.]: oh yeah real fucking funny you son of a bitch
417 [11:24 A.M.]: your a lousy internet life partner!
ashp [11:24 A.M.]: hahahahahhhaha
shp [11:25 A.M.]: you're hilarious
shp [11:25 A.M.]: i AM your internet life partner!!
417 [11:25 A.M.]: well until you called me Dereick
7 [11:25 A.M.]: after that I decided to leave you and take half your bandwidth!
shp [11:26 A.M.]: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
417 [11:26 A.M.]: now -- what do you want?
shp [11:26 A.M.]: your ass
17 [11:26 A.M.]: are you trying to woooo me back?
7 [11:26 A.M.]: cause its not working so far
17 [11:26 A.M.]: you need to try harder
hashp [11:27 A.M.]: hahahah
hp [11:27 A.M.]: ok whats your address
17 [11:27 A.M.]: well you can have my ass but the only thing you are going to do with it is use it as a tongue cozie
ashp [11:27 A.M.]: LOL!
417 [11:27 A.M.]: my address?? *****417@aol.com
shp [11:27 A.M.]: oh no no
shp [11:27 A.M.]: not THAT one
17 [11:27 A.M.]: lol
9417 [11:28 A.M.]: i knew what u meant u shit! lol
417 [11:28 A.M.]: i mad at you anways
17 [11:28 A.M.]: u said to come cuddle and i drove all the way there and you didnt answer the door
9417 [11:28 A.M.]: so im over it
hashp [11:29 A.M.]: hahahahahahah
ashp [11:29 A.M.]: awwww
417 [11:30 A.M.]: oh laugh
417 [11:31 A.M.]: but is how i see it is you owe me 2.13 cents for gas
shp [11:31 A.M.]: HAHAHAHAHAAH
417 [11:31 A.M.]: so laugh all you want but i want my mother fucking bitch
ashp [11:31 A.M.]: how about 20 licks on your asshole
17 [11:31 A.M.]: please.. we are talking about 2.13 cents ..that is is atleast worth an hour of eating ass
hp [11:31 A.M.]: HAHAHAH yesh riiiiiight
417 [11:32 A.M.]: the economy is in the shit hole... 2.13 is a fortune now days
7 [11:32 A.M.]: get with the times you fuck
p [11:32 A.M.]: hahahaha
hp [11:32 A.M.]: now you're trying to fuck me? :-)
7 [11:32 A.M.]: twice at that!
signed off at 11:32 A.M.
signed on at 11:47 A.M.
hp [1:02 P.M.]: ok, bend over.
417 [1:02 P.M.]: i didnt drop anything
17 [1:02 P.M.]: so no need
shp [1:02 P.M.]: haha
p [1:02 P.M.]: you dropped the SOAP
17 [1:02 P.M.]: nah -- i havent showered in 4 weeks
hp [1:02 P.M.]: yummmm
17 [1:02 P.M.]: so no soap dropping
hp [1:03 P.M.]: you want your ass licked?
hp [1:03 P.M.]: then bend over!
17 [1:03 P.M.]: i know.. im trying to get my ass all fermenting for you
p [1:03 P.M.]: HAHAHHAAHA
[1:03 P.M.]: to point where a beer will fall out though?
417 [1:03 P.M.]: im working on a keg
9417 [1:03 P.M.]: i know your a drunk
417 [1:03 P.M.]: so only the best for you
shp [1:03 P.M.]: HAHAHAHAH
ashp [1:03 P.M.]: awww
ashp [1:03 P.M.]: thank you
shp [1:04 P.M.]: can you add a hint of lager to it?
417 [1:04 P.M.]: nah -- but we can squeeze a lime up there if ya want
17 [1:06 P.M.]: will that work for you stud?
shp signed off at 3:30 P.M.
shp signed on at 5:31 P.M.
shp signed off at 5:43 P.M.
17 [5:47 P.M.]: you jump off and on the internet almost as much as if it were a cock
hp signed on at 6:01 P.M.
shp [6:46 P.M.]: heffer
417 [7:03 P.M.]: awww
9417 [7:03 P.M.]: you say the sweetest things to me
417 [7:03 P.M.]: I am suprised I am not madly in love with you yet from all the nice things you say to me.





Another conversastion

shp [11:34 P.M.]: ugh im horny
[11:34 P.M.]: awwww
p [11:34 P.M.]: i know
17 [11:34 P.M.]: do you want me to talk dirty to you, while you stroke your little dick?
shp [11:35 P.M.]: lol no
shp [11:35 P.M.]: i was just venting to you as a friend
hp [11:35 P.M.]: JERK!
17 [11:35 P.M.]: well so
417 [11:36 P.M.]: the only thing you should be venting is your lips around my cock
shp [11:36 P.M.]: haha im about to come over
hp [11:36 P.M.]: im hooooorny
17 [11:36 P.M.]: i dont want to clean my bedroom
shp [11:36 P.M.]: haha


TELL ME WHAT AM I DOING WRONG????




Diet Plan Made Easy

I am all PACKED!! YAYAYAAYYA

I did opt to not pack any bathroom supplies. Ima just buy that shit in Kansas. I'm just feeling to lazy. I don't have to be to the airport till 3pm so That is a plus..

I hope like hell they do not sit me next to a man that needs a seat belt extender. If that ever happens again I am sitting my fucking ass on the floor. Or I will go sit in one of the shitters for the whole flight.

Ya know they were talking about making people pay more for their flight by weight..I am wondering if I get a discount for being such a skinny little bastards. Oh wow you are only 139lbs.. You get 20% discount! YAYAYA Thanks bitches.

I know a lot of you are asking.. How do you stay so damn thin.. Well I have a very rigerous weight loss plan that I follow...

Breakfast..

http://jennifergriffin.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/dr_pepper_can1.jpg http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Kb-uUYi32Wo/RcS04LrmAWI/AAAAAAAAACs/agvS_FXfI9c/s400/Tic%2BTacs%2BRunning.JPG



1 Can of Dr Pepper and 3 tic tacs.








Lunch..



http://daveibsen.typepad.com/5_blogs_before_lunch/images/2008/03/27/drpepper20oz.jpghttp://dummidumbwit.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/saltines.jpg



1 20oz bottle of Dr Pepper and 2 Crackers. UNSALTED.








Dinner..


http://www.georgesmayblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/big20dr20pepper20bottle.jpghttp://willfulcaboose.files.wordpress.com/2008/12/ist21706548ricecake-main_full.jpg




A One Liter Dr Pepper and 1 Rice Cake (two if you had an exhausting day)




For in between meals when your stomach if growling like a mother fucker.. just grab a piece of EXTRA GUM! It comes in Many flavors so its like you are having a new treat each time.


http://snackdistributionmn.com/images/gum/extra.jpg







Right before you go to bed.. Go to the bathroom..
Stick your finger down your throat and get rid of anything lurking in your stomach. Food sitting around in the stomach while your sleeping can make you fat.

http://www.bartcop.com/vomit_3.gif



There you have it. My diet plan made easy. With these steps.. You NEVER have to exercise. And you can stay lean and trim for years to come.







Yes. Jesus Loves me

YES - JESUS LOVES ME.



I am a gay Christian. Odd huh? Well I for one find nothing odd about it.



God loves me. God knows what is in my heart. Yes, I have accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Saviour and one day I will make it to heaven.

People will ask me "Well what if there isn't really a God and it's all a lie?"

Well my answer is simple.

When I die and I have lived my life right I will make it to heaven since I believe in God.

If I am wrong and there is no God.. I lose nothing. I go into a hole in the ground and I am done. Easy as that.

Now... for those who do NOT believe.

If there is a God... Then what for you?

I do NOT like people trying to convience me or change my mind about my religion. I think its absurd.

I for one do NOT push my beliefs on others. I don't tell them they are completely wrong in their way of thinking. Yet people who are NONBELIEVERS tell me all the time I am wrong and try to make me feel bad for believing the way I do.

I find it to be absurd.

I am going to share a story with you all. Before I begin I will tell you this. This is a personal story I am NOT looking for a debate on. I will delete comments of people trying to analyze this and saying that what I experinced was not real. Sorry..


I grew up in a home where God was a daily reminder in my life. We all believed in God and tried to the best of our abilities to follow what the word of God said. This became something very hard to deal with for me as I begain my youth and realizing something different was about me. That something was being that I was gay. Though I would have never admited it or said it, I knew it. The problem was being gay was a Sin. I would be sent straight to hell for such a thing. This caused serious depression within myself growing up. I struggled with loving God and accepting myself. I would pray all the time...

"Dear God, Thank you for this day.. (insert my thanks, blessings, and request) .. there is one more thing God, please lord make me like I am suppose to be. Don't let me be like this. Make me like other boys. Please God I beg you"

I ended my prayer with that every night from at least the age of 10. I would cry many many nights after my prayer. I would close my eyes and in my mind I just KNEW I would wake up and my prayers would be answered. That I would walk, talk, act, and just be like all the other little boys. It never happened. I remained who I was.

This went on for many years..The older I got the worst the depression gotten. All this time I wanted to end my life. There was one thing that stopped me. I couldn't bare the fact to put my mother through losing another child. She had already suffered the loss of two, how could I do this to her again. I knew it was a Sin to kill yourself, but that wasn't a concern because frankly I was a sin anyways. I was gay. I wanted to just die because I knew I would NEVER be able to date a guy, but at the same time I would NEVER be able to date a girl. The tought of being lonely just was not something that appealed to me.

The depression had gotten so bad that I had constant panick attacks. I hated life, I hated my family, I hated myself. There wasn't much I didn't hate. I think this was because I felt that I was a sin, I was worth nothing. I was going to hell and my life would never be happy because of this. What is funny is even through all this I would NEVER actually say the words.. I AM GAY. I refused. Even though in my mind I knew it, I could never validate it with words. At the age of 20 something happened.

It was the worst my depression had been. It was around midnight, my panick attacks were out of control. I was crying. I just wanted to die. That was when I decided, even though I didn't want to put my family though my death, I was ready to end it all anways. I seen no point in living any longer.

That night I went to 2 walmarts and three convience stores. At each store I bought a few random things and two boxes of sleeping store at each store. I had decided I would just take the pills and go to sleep forever. I was done fighting who I was. If I wasn't suppose to be gay then I shouldn't be here.

I got home.

I grabbed a piece of yellow paper from my grandmas church pad and simply wrote.

I am sorry
Love,
Matt

I lit a cigarette, sat there and begin to cry. Looking around at my possesions, then at my family portraits hanging on the walls and the panick attacks began once again. I took a puff off my cigarette and reached for the bag of pills that I just rounded up.

I began to pop out pill after pill after pill from the packages. I looked at them laying on the table. I went to the kitchen, got a big glass of water and went back and sat down. I began to sob harder then I ever had. My life was about to be gone. I was about to spend eternity in hell. I had one last thing to do before I began to swallow the handfulls of sleeping pills...

Pray.

I blew my snot filled nose, got down on my knees, and put my hands together. I begain to pray to God.

"why, Why, WHY" I begged. "Why God If being like this is a Sin why am I like this?" I pleaded for answers. "Ive prayed, begged, and pleaded to you for years to make me normal, why God why would you never grant me this prayer" "I'm sorry God, please forgive me, I just don't understand" Then...............

The craziest thing happened....

Something rushed through my body. I felt so good. I smiled. My panick attacks stopped instantly. The tears were gone. I had the most overwhelming sense of happiness I had EVER felt in my life. I could feel God.

Then... For the first time ever. I said outloud. Without hesitation. I AM GAY.

This all took place so quickly. I felt love. I felt happy. I felt I just got my answer.

At that point I picked up those sleeping pills. Went outside and threw them in the dumpster.

That night changed my life forever. That night I forgave all the wrongs that had been done to me in life. That night I was able to admit to myself there was nothing wrong with me. That night God told me, he did answer my prayers.

My prayers to be normal. My Prayers to be like I am SUPPOSE to be. All the time I was looking for a change, but all along God was telling me I was who I was suppose to be. He made me Gay and he didn't want it any other way.

I will NEVER let anyone tell me that it wasn't God that spoke to me that night. I will never accept anyone ever telling me God doesn't exist. He has always been there for me. There are times I prayed for things that I thought I wanted, but God knew what he was going all along.

He knew he made me gay and loved me so why would he ever change me to be "normal" when all along I was normal.



Before this night I wanted to die every day of my life. After this happened I have never wanted to take my life. I realized that night that I am who I am and I will go to heaven just as long as I always accept Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Saviour.



NOTE -

I will respect your choice not to believe in God. I think it is sad, but I won't push my beliefs on you. I feel I should get the same respect from you.