Wednesday, July 22, 2009



A month ago I got a question from someone that confused me. It went a little something like this...

"Hey Matt do you have Twitter?" I replied "Umm what the fuck is Twitter? Some new STD I need to worry about, when I'm banging some hot little mangina?"

They explained to me that it was a new Social Networking that everyone was getting. I of course being the Z list internet celebrity that I am, knew I better check this shit out since it was all the craze.

So as my gay little fingers prance on the keyboard they daintily type in Up pops the Main page.

So I get to the page and you really can't browse it without signing up for it. I thought hmmm.... Alright.. Well what the fuck is this used for? It looks pretty fucking stupid to me. Wait. Lookie there. A icon that reads.. Why? This button must answer the 2 dollar and 50 cent question.. Why I must have it. Lets click on it..

Under the picture a PERFECTLY Good explanation as to why you would want this wonderful service of Twitter. I am understanding now that Twitter Twat is basically used for nothing more then posting updates of your day, throughout the day. Lets look at the examples they give..

Eating soup? Research shows that moms want to know.

Seriously. My moms dreams have finally come true. I can post on this thing every time I cram something down my throat. That way she KNOWS I am eating. Just think. When I went to go eat a hot hairy ass I can post that on there too. I think she will be pretty damn happy to know I am eating my salad.

Running late to a meeting? Your co–workers might find that useful.

Yes - I think this is by far the SMARTEST thing you can use Twitter for. To post on a mass message to all your co-workers that you are running late. That salad you just tossed took a little longer to finish up, but since they all know your were munching on a hungry man hole just moments before they should have assumed you would be late anyways. I mean since you had already let them know you were doing such with the Twitter Clitter.
If you want my professional opinion, stick to calling when you are going to be late. I don't think Twitter is going to pay your bills when your twittering ass gets fired.

Partying? Your friends may want to join you.

Oh yes! Lovely. Now every Tom, Dick, and Retard that you know can show up wherever you are at any time. Since they know where you are thanks to the lovely twit who came up with Twitter. I am not sure about you but there are some people that I don't want to hang out with ALL the time. With my luck, the dickweeds that I am avoiding for the day will be the ones to show up at the hopping party I posted on Twitter. I mean this thing doesn't select who it goes to.

I really didn't see the point of all this really. Since we do have status messages on Myspace and FaceFuck -- Doh I mean Facebook (I hate facebook) Why would I need this bull shit. We also have this little thing called TEXT MESSAGE. But like the 100s of thousands of dumb fucks that have signed up for it... I joined on in. That's right if you have Twitter you are a DUMB FUCK -- Let me make it a little clearer for you..

Now Yes! Don't get your over priced panties in a wad, I did it too. So I am just as much a dumb fuck as you are. It's ok. We will get through this together. I promise.

So I go ahead and sign up thinking there really has to be something more about it. Would people be so lame to just go to a website to type in a status message and read other peoples? A WHOLE WEB SITE just for status message. A ENTIRE PLACE devoted to the status on your every little movement?

I sign up and able to search people. Anyways I added Ashton should be sitting on my face Kutcher, Britney I have a vagina the size of Tennessee Spears, and some Random attention whore, to see what the hell it was about. Here ya go folks.. here is what I get...

WOW look at this. Pretty fucking exciting if I do say so myself. Ashton is obviously a major Twitter whore. I hope like hell he is using protection, so when I get my turn for him to twitter me I don't catch anything. Read some of his updates though. Are you kidding me? Really? Oh fuck yes. This is some exciting shit people. I mean if I had a pussy it would be dripping wet with excitement at this very moment.

You can also add the service to your phone so you can update everyone at any given time. Exciting I know. If you have a cunt I am kind of jealous that you are getting moist. Though I have a little precum linger on the head of my cock right now just thinking about how "sick" Twitter is.

What I have decided to do is basically give you all a run down of what I would post on my Twitter if I was a frequent user of the service.

Here is my Saturday...

7:25 AM - Rolled my ass out of bed, my dick was hard as fuck because I need to take my morning piss. I hate getting these damn false hard-ons. When I got up to the bathroom I couldn't get the shit to go down so I got a little urine on the toilet seat. I left it for my sister to sit in.

7:35 AM - I am sitting on the porch right now, drinking my morning pop and smoking a wake up cigarette. It's chilly out here. I think my left testicle is forming an icicle on it. Once I get inside I will check on that and let you know. Oh btw a blue car just drove by.

7:45AM - NOPE No Icicle.

8:30AM - MOM!! I am eating OATMEAL. mmm This cheap shit taste like dirty ass. It's healthy though. Oh well it was till I added a pound of sugar to it.

9:15 AM- Hey everyone! Just sitting here on the toilet taking a real big shit. It think my shit has a few nuts in it. I mean it feels like its scarping my rectum walls as it falls ever so gracefully into the bowl. Oh and the first log that I squeezed out of my ass was fucking HUGE that shit splashed me when it hit the water. Toilet water is sooo cold.

10:30 AM - Hey all check out my status message on myspace and facebook.

10:45 AM- Oh so many comments to reply to. My ass is so sore from sitting in this damn computer chair. Oh and I have this retched nose hair I can't seem to get the fuck out. Why do I have more nose hairs then hairs on my head?

11:30AM - Going to go Make lunch now.

12:15AM - Just got done with lunch. Tuna sandwich. Its like slapping some pussy between two pieces of bread! Gotta love a quick lunch. Alright I am going to nap.

5:00 PM- Damn! I just woke up. I must have been really tired. Or maybe the 6 sleeping pills I took kicked in. I woke up in a sticky mess. I had another wet dream. I am not changing my underwear though. Just gonna sit in it till I shower later. No need in dirtying 2 pair of underwear in one day. Though this shit is tugging on my pubes.. like seriously.

6:00 PM- Well here I am again. Taking another shit. That tuna sandwich shot straight to my pooper. This time its a little mushy. Its going to take extra toilet paper for this one. Alright -- gonna shower after i am done.

7:30 PM- Well I just got out of the shower. Though I must tell you all. I didn't realize that I was out of toilet paper. Thank God I was jumping in the shower. I will tell you this.. When I was cleaning my ass it looked like a mudslide doing down my leg. Ok going to get ready to go out.. Peace

9:00 PM- I am driving to the city. Ready to get my groove on. I didn't eat dinner because I want to get drunk for cheaper. I know I am a classy gal. Oh I sure hope I find some sex tonight. I am long over due. a;o0s9d fknwmenf. Oh shit sorry about that. I just ran over a dog. Oh well. Keep on truckin!

10:45PM- I am here at the club! Woodys! Man! Where are all the hot guys at. Shit my dick needs to get up in some HOLE! You know what I mean! WOOT! Oh I am starting on my 3rd drink.

12:20 AM- OUh Mna. ima piissin rite now. I am soooooooooooooo fukd up guys its like man im having a good time. Oh ya n i met a dude. wish me luk

2:15AM - He is suugking my c0ck rite now as I upstate you all with my stauts!! OMG im bout to cummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

3:00 AM- MOM!! I just got done having a salad.

I guess I passed out after that. So yeah. This is my day in the life with my Twitter.

This has got to be one of the the most moronic ideas they came up with for a social network. Seriously people. Who the fuck cares what people are doing every fucking minute of the day. Its this really neceassry? Do you think your life is soooooooooooo fucking special that everyone NEEDS to know that how exciting you really are NOT!

I get why celebritys do it. I really do. People hang on their every word and thought. It's part of publicty. Regular folk like me and you though? Who the fuck cares!! Seriously. If you want to update people.. call them.. text them.. or update your fucking status message on facebook or myspace. You can access that shit from your phone too.

It just all seems so stupid to me. Normally I don't like to offend people but if you are a twitter head and this offended you.. well cry me a fucking river. I may throw you a life jacket when you start to drown. Or maybe not. We will see

By the way.. if you want to follow me on Twitter.

You will love the one and only message I have on there. HA!

1 comment:

  1. Oh my god too fucking funny. I myself never signed up for twitter, guess I'm not such a dumbfuck after all. Always thought I was, thanks for putting things in perspective Matt