Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Dear, Mr. Right.

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Dear Mr Right,

Hey Hey Hey. It's Me Matthew. You know. The love of your life. Your soul mate. The one you are supposed to be spending your life with. I have a question. And Not to be harsh or anything, but where in the fuck are you? Seriously you fucktard, are you lost? Maybe you could jump on real quick and get better directions because it sure the fuck seems like your god damn GPS isn't working for shit.

I am in my 30's now. Do you know what that means? It means I need to trap your ass before I get fat, ugly, and balder than I already am. It would also be nice to be able to fuck you a few years before the aide of Viagra is needed. My dick isn't going to be a spring chicken forever, you know. Seriously, this single queer needs to get a ring up on it! You are slacking. Where in the fuck are you dude??

I am going to admit something to you though. Though I would love to be very faithful to you, well I havent. I have had needs.. I have been fucking Mr Wrong. Well and Mr Pathetic, and Mr Dumbfuck, and Mr Asshole, and Mr Little Dick, and Mr Twatbiscut and Mr.. well you get the point. I have needs. And though I would love to wait around on your slow ass I don't want my sex organs to shut down. I am really sick of it though. Fucking all these rejects. Just because you have decided that you want to lolly gag around like a dipshit. Get your ass in gear! Get here!

I am sure you are going to be the most wonderful man. I mean you must be worth the wait.. right? Everyone keeps telling me you will come along. That you will show up. To not give up hope. I just don't see it. Are you fucking every Tom, Dick, and Chuck on the way to get me? Is that the problem? Do you think you could keep your dick in your pants long enough for it to find my rectum? I don't see why that seems to be a problem.

Maybe I need to stop waiting for you. Maybe I just need to settle for Mr. So-So. I mean at least I know I will have someone. He may not be the man of my dreams, but I would imagine he would at least be around. Unlike your sorry ass.

PS- If you do show up before that happens. Please have your asshole douched and ready to go.. because I am going to need to bang your mancunt till it bleeds. Just for punishment for making me wait for you so long. Bastard!

PSS- Are you loaded or broke? Should I go get foodstamps now??

Love always,
Matt K.

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