Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Yes. Jesus Loves me


I am a gay Christian. Odd huh? Well I for one find nothing odd about it.

God loves me. God knows what is in my heart. Yes, I have accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Saviour and one day I will make it to heaven.

People will ask me "Well what if there isn't really a God and it's all a lie?"

Well my answer is simple.

When I die and I have lived my life right I will make it to heaven since I believe in God.

If I am wrong and there is no God.. I lose nothing. I go into a hole in the ground and I am done. Easy as that.

Now... for those who do NOT believe.

If there is a God... Then what for you?

I do NOT like people trying to convience me or change my mind about my religion. I think its absurd.

I for one do NOT push my beliefs on others. I don't tell them they are completely wrong in their way of thinking. Yet people who are NONBELIEVERS tell me all the time I am wrong and try to make me feel bad for believing the way I do.

I find it to be absurd.

I am going to share a story with you all. Before I begin I will tell you this. This is a personal story I am NOT looking for a debate on. I will delete comments of people trying to analyze this and saying that what I experinced was not real. Sorry..

I grew up in a home where God was a daily reminder in my life. We all believed in God and tried to the best of our abilities to follow what the word of God said. This became something very hard to deal with for me as I begain my youth and realizing something different was about me. That something was being that I was gay. Though I would have never admited it or said it, I knew it. The problem was being gay was a Sin. I would be sent straight to hell for such a thing. This caused serious depression within myself growing up. I struggled with loving God and accepting myself. I would pray all the time...

"Dear God, Thank you for this day.. (insert my thanks, blessings, and request) .. there is one more thing God, please lord make me like I am suppose to be. Don't let me be like this. Make me like other boys. Please God I beg you"

I ended my prayer with that every night from at least the age of 10. I would cry many many nights after my prayer. I would close my eyes and in my mind I just KNEW I would wake up and my prayers would be answered. That I would walk, talk, act, and just be like all the other little boys. It never happened. I remained who I was.

This went on for many years..The older I got the worst the depression gotten. All this time I wanted to end my life. There was one thing that stopped me. I couldn't bare the fact to put my mother through losing another child. She had already suffered the loss of two, how could I do this to her again. I knew it was a Sin to kill yourself, but that wasn't a concern because frankly I was a sin anyways. I was gay. I wanted to just die because I knew I would NEVER be able to date a guy, but at the same time I would NEVER be able to date a girl. The tought of being lonely just was not something that appealed to me.

The depression had gotten so bad that I had constant panick attacks. I hated life, I hated my family, I hated myself. There wasn't much I didn't hate. I think this was because I felt that I was a sin, I was worth nothing. I was going to hell and my life would never be happy because of this. What is funny is even through all this I would NEVER actually say the words.. I AM GAY. I refused. Even though in my mind I knew it, I could never validate it with words. At the age of 20 something happened.

It was the worst my depression had been. It was around midnight, my panick attacks were out of control. I was crying. I just wanted to die. That was when I decided, even though I didn't want to put my family though my death, I was ready to end it all anways. I seen no point in living any longer.

That night I went to 2 walmarts and three convience stores. At each store I bought a few random things and two boxes of sleeping store at each store. I had decided I would just take the pills and go to sleep forever. I was done fighting who I was. If I wasn't suppose to be gay then I shouldn't be here.

I got home.

I grabbed a piece of yellow paper from my grandmas church pad and simply wrote.

I am sorry

I lit a cigarette, sat there and begin to cry. Looking around at my possesions, then at my family portraits hanging on the walls and the panick attacks began once again. I took a puff off my cigarette and reached for the bag of pills that I just rounded up.

I began to pop out pill after pill after pill from the packages. I looked at them laying on the table. I went to the kitchen, got a big glass of water and went back and sat down. I began to sob harder then I ever had. My life was about to be gone. I was about to spend eternity in hell. I had one last thing to do before I began to swallow the handfulls of sleeping pills...


I blew my snot filled nose, got down on my knees, and put my hands together. I begain to pray to God.

"why, Why, WHY" I begged. "Why God If being like this is a Sin why am I like this?" I pleaded for answers. "Ive prayed, begged, and pleaded to you for years to make me normal, why God why would you never grant me this prayer" "I'm sorry God, please forgive me, I just don't understand" Then...............

The craziest thing happened....

Something rushed through my body. I felt so good. I smiled. My panick attacks stopped instantly. The tears were gone. I had the most overwhelming sense of happiness I had EVER felt in my life. I could feel God.

Then... For the first time ever. I said outloud. Without hesitation. I AM GAY.

This all took place so quickly. I felt love. I felt happy. I felt I just got my answer.

At that point I picked up those sleeping pills. Went outside and threw them in the dumpster.

That night changed my life forever. That night I forgave all the wrongs that had been done to me in life. That night I was able to admit to myself there was nothing wrong with me. That night God told me, he did answer my prayers.

My prayers to be normal. My Prayers to be like I am SUPPOSE to be. All the time I was looking for a change, but all along God was telling me I was who I was suppose to be. He made me Gay and he didn't want it any other way.

I will NEVER let anyone tell me that it wasn't God that spoke to me that night. I will never accept anyone ever telling me God doesn't exist. He has always been there for me. There are times I prayed for things that I thought I wanted, but God knew what he was going all along.

He knew he made me gay and loved me so why would he ever change me to be "normal" when all along I was normal.

Before this night I wanted to die every day of my life. After this happened I have never wanted to take my life. I realized that night that I am who I am and I will go to heaven just as long as I always accept Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Saviour.


I will respect your choice not to believe in God. I think it is sad, but I won't push my beliefs on you. I feel I should get the same respect from you.


  1. The same thing happened to me

  2. It's too bad God's followers persist in making people feel unworthy and wicked for being gay. If they concentrated on loving their neighbors instead of judging them, the world would be a much better place.

  3. Amen to that. I am gay and I know this is how Jesus made me. Jesus has told me that I am his beloved with which he is well pleased.